Saturday Moring 'Processing'

Originally posted on September 25, 2010, I subsequently removed this post when I was re-hired by this employer in October of 2010.  As I left their employ again (this time of my own accord) in July of 2011, I feel it's safe to re-post once again...

I'm feeling quite like a yuppie  this morning. I'm sitting in a Starbucks drinking my venti (Italian for "Large") iced Chai latte and eating a slice of iced lemon pound cake. In about five minutes I should be high on caffeinated tea and  shitfaced on sugar--all the better to compose!

Being jobless for nearly six months has taken its toll. I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm hoping if I just make it through the day I can crash early this evening and return to a semi-normal sleep schedule.

I'm fighting depression, but my fear of rejection and the thought of an interview makes me nauseous. I've nearly become socially phobic--that is to say I begin to panic around large crowds and have to leave in order to catch my breath. 

I have done this to myself. I've let my fear of the unknown get the best of me.  What lies at the heart of my anguish is that I was replaced the day after I was let go from my job. While so many have been victims of a rif, I was simply replaced. I was told my job was being out sourced and that I was no longer needed (all flat out LIES). I did receive two weeks severance and my unused vacation pay. I was even told by my superiors that I could use them as a reference for future employment (and yes, it'll be a cold day in hell before I do!)

Less than three months before I was laid off I applied for position with another department. Initially I was offered the position--which I accepted and was told I would receive a small hourly increase.  While management had a meeting to discuss who would take over my current job duties, a heated discussion ensued. My superiors argued that I was too valued in my present position to be let go to another department.  The end result was that the position I had accepted was eliminated. I was then told by management and the Human Resources director how valued I was by my co-workers and the clients I supported. While I did not initially ask about the proposed raise (less than two dollars per hour), I did politely inquire about the increase a few days later--requesting a copy of the inquiry be placed in my personnel file. I was told a few days later that I would not be receiving the increase after all.

I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I became quite bitter after this and was pretty vocal about it amongst my co-workers and friends.  Eliminating the position was one thing but to not honor a small hourly increase was a real punch in the gut. If they wanted me to stay in my current position why couldn't they give me a small incentive to do so?

A week or so before I was laid off management was in a series of closed door meetings with parties unknown to me. At the time I thought nothing of it. Looking back I now realize they were interviewing for my position right under my very nose.

When I was first told I was being let go I was so blindsided by the news that I couldn't think straight. All I heard was: "Your job is being outsourced." Quite honestly my only thought was to pack my shit and get the hell outta there before I broke down. I kept saying over and over to myself:  "Ok, focus Jon. Get some boxes, pack your stuff and get out NOW."

Oh, the things I wish I'd had the foresight to say!  The things I wish I'd said that still haunt my dreams:

• Less than three months ago you needed me so badly you wouldn't let me leave this department. What the hell happened between now and then? Were you lying to me then or are you lying now?
• You can't run this department with two employees--we're far too busy! Do you want to tell me the REAL reason you're letting me go?

I know they're paying my replacement more money.  No one would accept the position I had for the amount of money I was being paid.

I know I need to put this all behind me and simply move on. However, I feel like I'm in a state of constant limbo that never ends. I need some sort of resolution so I can put this behind me. 

While thousands of people  have lost jobs they can say: "My company can't afford to keep me. This is happening to so many people--it's out of my control. I can accept that."  What rings in my head is: "What did I do WRONG? Who did I piss off? Who was out to get me? What's wrong with the job I did? Wasn't I good enough?"  I know in my logical mind that I shouldn't take this personally, but wouldn't you if you were in my position? Had this been a true lay off, it would have been so much easier to accept. I could say: "It's out of my control." and move on just like everyone else who's been down this sad road before me.

My first job while I was still in high school was cleaning my church. That was thirty years ago. Since then I've had roughly twenty jobs all of which have lasted just under five years. (Some I chose to leave, some the choice was made for me.) I'm nearly fifty years old and I feel like I'm back to square one--no better off than I was when I was in my early twenties. Yes I've gained quite a lot of experience over the years but busting my ass hasn't gotten me any further up the financial food chain. To be honest, I'm tired. I know life is about continually moving forward--starting over, but shouldn't I have done that already? Am I here now because I made poor choices in the past? Is my employment karma bad? 

I know I'm whining. I need a good swift kick in the ass (maybe in a way I'm kicking my own ass by writing this blog.) I've never been one to move forward without out momentarily looking back to say: "What have I learned from this? What am I taking away from this as I attempt to move forward?" My best friend calls this processing. Guess you could say I'm in processing HELL right now!  LOL! Thanks for letting me vent. I think I feel better!   LOVE YOU JKK! ENJOY YOUR SATURDAY!!!